In view of Shakespeare’s upcoming birthday on April 23, it’s worth remembering that he died on the same day (better known as St-George’s Day in an ostensibly Protestant country). Although this coincidence might seem fishy, Samuel Clemens also died on his own birthday, when Haley’s comet reappeared. Perhaps proof that authors are fond of symmetry. Mark Twain, however, was not a kindred spirit, but a doubting William, along with Sigmund Freud, Henry James et al. More recently, Sir Derek Jacobi and Mark Rylance have stoked the fire.
Just when it appeared that things had died down, another account of the man behind the mask has surfaced, sending shockwaves throughout the Shakesphere. Once again, it’s an American who has butted into British business, following the lead of Delia Bacon, meddler extraordinaire. To be fair, the American author of The Bard and the Barman claims that his yarn about Shakespeare’s “lost years” is pure fiction. For someone who appears be a closet Stratfordian, his portrait of the Bard as a Francophile seems far-fetched indeed.
However, the British Antiquities Museum (BAM) has attempted to suppress publication of the novel, charging that it sullies the reputation of the museum and William Shakespeare. They contend that the book is based on the journal of the Bard’s confidant, which the museum obtained when a workman unearthed the parchment scroll during excavation of the Chunnel. How the novel’s author obtained access to the Chunnel Scroll is anybody’s guess. It seems likely that a whistleblower could have leaked the document, perhaps to protest the museum’s history of looting and hoarding. Or maybe because the manuscript is one of the few native treasures in their collections, the British Antiquities Museum has been even more bullish than usual.
The real mystery is how BAM obtained an advanced reader copy (ARC) of the novel before it was published, suggesting that the manuscript might have been leaked by the debut author desperate for publicity. The author flatly denies this, claiming his book is merely make-believe. “I just connected the dots, going back in time like the Hubble Telescope to see the Big Bang.”
A spokesperson for the British Antiquities Museum contests the author’s claim. “No one, especially a foreigner with a master’s degree in an unrelated field, could have possibly invented such a story. Moreover, the author’s botched attempt to translate Elizabethan English into contemporary parlance is an affront to the Bard and the British public. As stewards of English history, we have been guarding this priceless treasure for posterity and future fundraising campaigns. We’re not about to let a Yankee steal our thunder!” The dispute has been referred to the courts, so cross your fingers, but don’t hold your breath.
Name withheld by request
Liar’s Bench Press
Merrill Hatlen 